Living with Love, Not Ghosts: Marrying a Widower, Becoming a Mom

What does it look like to step into motherhood in an unexpected way? In this episode of The Whole MotherLoad, I sit down with Amy Davis, an educator, wife, and mom who married a widower with a young son.

Amy shares the unique challenges of being a stepmom in a situation where there isn’t an “ex,” but rather a beloved mother who passed away. From navigating identity and questions of “Am I enough?” to finding joy in everyday parenting moments, Amy’s story is raw, real, and deeply encouraging.

She opens up about:

• The challenges of “living with someone’s ghost”
• How she and Logan built trust and connection 
• The humility and perspective she’s gained through step-parenting
• Why she believes love — not DNA — is what makes a family whole
• Practical advice for moms in blended families (and really, for any mom who doubts herself)

This is a story of resilience, humility, and choosing happiness when life takes unexpected turns. Whether you’re in a blended family or just need reassurance that you’re not alone in the hard parts of motherhood, Amy’s wisdom will inspire you.

“I wasn’t there for his birth, but I get to be here for his life.” Amy Davis

💌 If this episode touched your heart, share it with another mom who needs encouragement today.

Transcript

Through conversations and stories with moms just like you, the whole Motherload helps to build the mindset, skillset, toolset, and the heartset of motherhood to support you in raising happy, healthy, whole, resilient kids. Today, I have Amy Davis. She is an educator with 20 years in the classroom. She lives her husband, Chris, and her teen son, Logan, and all the fun that come with them. She likes to meme, find them and laugh, that is. And she loves to be with family and friends and learn about many various things. So what's your favorite thing to learn?

Well, recently, my learning is British history.

And maybe you could share why that might be significant to you.

So, yeah, I'm an Anglophile. My husband is from Manchester. So it's fun to, I don't know, I guess, make the connections and I know what he's talking about, too.

Let's talk a little bit about why we even know each other. When I was a teenager, I had a pen pal with a cousin that lived in Ireland. Her name was Sarah O'Flaherty. She ended up getting married to a man named Chris, and then she had a son. However, she ended up having a stroke during delivery, and she ended up passing away when Logan, their son, was 11 days old, but I lost track of Chris and Logan. And then in the time between when I caught back up with Logan, you came into the picture.

Tell us about that. I need to go back in time just a little bit also, because there's another wonderful person that is involved in the story, too. Julie. She had served her LDS mission in Manchester, and she often mentioned mailing packages and caring for, as she would say, the widower of her companion who died in childbirth. That was always such a devastating story. I remember always thinking, Oh, how awful for all involved. Then fast forward to 2013, when I went to visit some friends in Colorado. I had been working on dating, but still single and at a event with friends. My friend Lisa asked around and said, Does anyone know of any good guys that are available? And Carol, she said, Well, the only great single guy I know is a widower. He lives in Scotland. He has a little boy. And immediately I was like, Wait a minute. How many stories are there about a widower in Scotland, a little boy? And I was like, Wait, I feel like someone knows him. It was Julie. And I said, Julie, you're the one that knows Chris, right? And she said, Yes, he's a great guy.

And she said, Hey, you should message him or say hi. But of course, I stalked his Facebook, he stalked mine. But then nothing happened. Then a year later, he and Logan were going to be in Colorado. So my friends Rallied, got me a ticket, said I was coming out, no ifs, sounds, or buts. Just like, well, whatever. This is crazy. Went out, we met, things went great, and we dated long distance. I was able to go to Scotland, be with Chris and Logan, and all of those things that happened. We got engaged over fall break in 2014 over Skype, and we're married in December of 2014.

So how old was Logan when you guys got married?

He was just barely five. Wow.

That's so fun.

We got married, and I lived over in Scotland. And then, circumstances happened where Chris got laid off, and we had to make the decision. What do we do? Do we stay? Where do we go? So we ended up in Utah. Family history is a big thing for us. And I wanted Logan to keep in touch with his family. But we also want to see, where did you come from? So we had some five files and things that were of Sarah's. Within this folder, we found this name, and it said, Michigan. And I was like, Logan, you have family in Michigan. So we both were like, whoa, hold on. And by this time, he is probably 10 or 11 or something, I think. So mature enough that he sees a number in there and he's like, I'm going to call it. And then through that, put us back in touch with you. So it was so amazing.

I didn't even know you existed. And I'm like, wait, Chris is remarried. So Logan has a mom that's taking care of him. And that was just such good news for me. That was such a relief that he was okay, that he was doing great, really. So we met up. Yes. And I loved being able to bring him letters that we had from Sarah.

Yes. We still got those. And yes, it's so fun to just see her handwriting and things like that. Because I never met her. I only knew her through others. And through this whole experience, there have been so many that have come out of the woodwork who have known her. This bespoke experience of marrying into this comes with all of it. There are the ups and the downs. And there were some times that I'm like, Why do I have to keep this memory afloat when it's my domain? But then again, at the same time, it was so fun because I mean, just little stories. They had to move schools because of numbers in the classroom.

As a teacher.

As a teacher, yes. And I was moved to my school that I'm at now. But right off the bat, one of my students' parents had served her mission as well in Manchester. So as we were talking, I usually be like, you played the do you know game? Were you there when? But when she said the years that she had been there, I was like, wait a minute. Did you know Sarah? And she said, yes, she died. And I said, yeah, her son, my son, her son, our son. How do I say this? He's here in fifth grade down the hall. And finally, I get that awkwardly out. And she's like, what? And I'm like, Yeah, so she married Chris, who I'm married to now, and Logan is here. And her son and Logan were actually in the same class. And so it was just like, wow, so fun to have that connection. And then she had pictures as well and sent those over and was like, here, Logan, look, this is your mom. Yeah, so cool. And then just one more, he started soccer. We show up to practice and they're talking about whatever. They hear Chris.

They're like, oh, where are you from? And he, the coach, knew Sarah as well. So, I mean, he was able to say, Logan, your mom was so great and everything, and just fun.

The story is incredible. Just so many not coincidences, coincidences, right? These things that have happened I mean, for you, for Chris, for Logan, I just think that you guys have been watched over, and Logan has been watched over. Like, he's been so blessed. I believe that Sarah has a hand in watching him grow up and protecting him. I really do think that. But what's interesting about that is it puts you into a different role, because a lot of times people get married to somebody who's been previously married, and they have an ex. But I don't think it's very common that they They have a deceased spouse. They're a widower. This is not a common situation. So you've had to deal with some unique challenges in marrying a widower. Talk about that, and what that's like for you, or what that was like for you, and what happens with this a situation? What are the challenges, and how has that helped you to really become a better person? Because it is a unique challenge.

Yeah, it definitely is. And it takes some work. I've had friends over the years who have said, said, Oh, I could never do that. And so that was interesting right off the bat and something that you just have to think about like, whoa, this is big because it comes with a lot of stuff. It comes with family, relationships that you want to keep alive or going, but then not really sure how to navigate it sometimes.

Well, and he's still grieving in some ways, too. Yeah.

No, there was a lot of feeling abandoned. They were just shy of their second anniversary. Not long for them either.

Kind of still in the newlywed stage.

Yes. So I mean, that is not long at all. And then all the things that he was going through with trying to keep everything going, keep everyone together, happy or this or that.

Well, he had a newborn that he now had to raise.

Yes. And he did awesome. And I think that was one of the things that did endure me to them and to him really quickly was thinking, wow, that is a big responsibility. And he's doing really well with it. He loves Logan, and he's working really hard to help him in all the things. They were little best friends. It's a challenge. I heard often, Oh, I could never live with someone's ghost. And that's interesting. It's like, Oh, I don't know. I think about it as we're all in this together in a way. And it is actually so nice when Logan leaves to go somewhere for a few days or a week or something where I can't be there, then I'm like, Hey, tag. Will you please watch over? And I know it will happen.

I love that. I really do love that, actually.

Yeah. And that has come with some heartache, too, because there are definitely times where I felt, I don't know what the word is, but robbed of experiences, too. I wasn't there for the tiniest baby bonding moments and things like that. But then I think, well, it's not fair for him at all because he didn't get either one himself. But definitely it was big. It took some time. I mean, our friends were really hoping for us to just move quickly on it, and it still It was pretty quick. I mean, it was a year and a couple of months later when we got married. So according to some standards, that's either way slow or way quick. But it did take some time because I thought, wow, I mean, it's a big deal. I've worked with young kids 20 years, for sure, in concentration. And so I was excited. I'm like, he's already prepared. He's already done. He's already been baked. So I don't have to worry about that part. And we can just get in there and have some fun because that was what I enjoyed doing anyway. So I was so excited for that part.

But then thinking about the idea of, Oh, I could never live with someone's ghost. Well, can I? I don't know if I can either. But ultimately, it came down to I just kept feeling like, These guys deserve happiness. We all deserve happiness. I mean, it wasn't like I was giving up a lot myself to shift over and be like, Okay, I'll be with them. I mean, it was genuinely, No, I do love these guys. This could work. This could be cool. But it was always like, had to check myself to make sure I wasn't like, Am I playing a savior role? Am I playing a superhero role? We're like, Yeah, I can fill those shoes. Watch. Or anything like that. It was just like, No, we all deserve happiness. These guys deserve happiness. Finally, it was like, You know what? This will be great. We'll worry about some of the other things later. But for now, I'm not going to be like, Oh, no, I'm living with a ghost, or this or that. And not to say that doesn't creep in, because it does creep in sometimes. What would she do?

Is that what you ask, or is that what Chris asks?

That's what I ask. Chris is never here. He'll look at me like, Are you kidding? Why are you worried about this? She'd be doing the same thing. Like, Okay, good.

I guess then what are the unique challenges then of raising Logan and his connection with his mom? That step parent role is still a step-parent role. Is that true? No, he never knew her?

Yeah. I mean, we're very unique in that way because he was so young, didn't know her. Our sweet friend over in Scotland, she asked Logan once. I was still here, and he was over there, and she asked him once. She said, So are you going to call her mom? And he said with this cute little accent, That's a conversation I'll have to have with my dad. That's awesome. Just the wheels turning and being very pragmatic. After we got married, I was mom. Questions would come all the time, and I would have to be careful not to be offended because they'd say, Well, does he call you mom? And I'm like, Yes, he calls me mom because I am mom. The definition of mom can mean something different. What is mom? What does it mean to be mom? Because yes, many times you have to say his birth mom, and then it's like, Oh, that's hard because he wasn't placed. I have ended up adopting him just so that it's easier legally and everything like that. But doing all of the mom things is what I was doing, even though I didn't grow him and birth him and things like that.

So it was figuring that out. And there was a time that Logan figured that, too. He was about six, I think. And something had happened where I had to add in some discipline. And he did say, well, you're not my real mom. And I was devastated, but I just let it go. We went to bed, we got up the next day, and I said, hey, Logan, can I talk to you about something that hurt my feelings yesterday? Made me a little bit upset. And he was like, I know. I'm sorry. He already knew that it was like, let's just throw this out there and see what happens. And I don't know if he just needed to see what maybe was on his mind or something like that. So he got that out there and I said, Well, true. I am not your real mom, but I am doing all of the mom things. And he again was like, I know. I'm sorry. He had some of those little incidences and things. I'm so grateful because I don't feel like stepmom, but in all actuality, I am.

I think if you were to just condense what is the hardest part about the situation, what would you say that is?

I feel like I'm not living with a ghost, but I do often think, Am I on the outskirts of things, looking in? Where's my place? Because there's a lot of workings going on in some behind the scenes or whatever. So I think just sometimes it's how I feel about myself, my esteem, because Chris would be like, There's nothing to worry about.

I know that's the uncomfortable part of this is recognizing that role, like you said, where do you fit in? And not second guessing your value. Is that what I'm hearing?

Yeah, correct. And like I said earlier, it was so fun to make the connections, but at the same time, it's like, oh, man, I'm upholding the memory and a little bit of putting her on a pedestal or something, and I guess it's almost like competition in a way. Really, do we need to worry about that right now? No.

If I'm hearing what you're saying correctly, it's this because she's not around, she's in a space where it's almost like she's kept in this crystal case, where she's like, Oh, look at her. She did this. She's the birth mom. And because she's not here, and there's grief around that, there's a tendency to do that, to just look at all the good parts and everything, and not to say that she wasn't good and amazing, because she was. And also recognizing that creates a situation where you're like, I'm real, I'm here, and I'm doing the hard stuff now because here's Logan, and he's now a teenager. Major. And Sarah's not here for the teenage phase. You are, right? Yes.

Which upsets Chris greatly because their deal was that he would be the one to focus on the childhood, and she would take over during these difficult teen years because she was really good with teens.

I would say from my observations that you guys are doing a fantastic job.

We're definitely trying.

It's and it's fun because my family connection is with Logan, right? Yeah. However, I think I think that what has come from this, too, is a beautiful relationship between you and I. You and I talk way more than me and Logan do. Because, yes, we have that connection. And it's funny because when I explain to somebody, oh, yeah, my friend Amy, but she's my cousin's mom. And they're like, what?

Another difficult thing to explain.

So what has been the best part about this situation, do you think?

I think it was watching him grow and just being able to be there for him, just sliding right in. I mean, even before they were just the two of them in Scotland, what I've been told is that he didn't like to go to a lot of people. As soon as we were together, we were just little besties as well. And so he was my adventure buddy for a long time. I was like, Do you want to go on an adventure? So it was pretty easy that way. I mean, we really didn't struggle with feelings of like, Oh, no, I will be disloyal to my mom or anything like that. So we didn't have to really worry too much about that. It was just like, Here we are. We got to help each other out in a way.

I think, too, that brings up an interesting point where he's not going from mom's house to dad's house. He's not going back and forth. It's a different co-parenting. And so he also had a unique situation in that you're not competing with her in the same way as if there were an ex. And so I think that's so interesting and unique for him, too, to then have this situation where he's like, I have a new mom that I it as a gift, and I'm sure he does, too, in a lot of ways, as much as he misses, or like the idea of having Sarah, because there's a longing for that, I'm sure, in him, but not having to compete in that way. So I like that because he still has this grief, that you being there gives him some more stability, I would think.

I definitely hope so. He's got some pictures on his wall from their wedding that Chris made for him when he was a baby. They were on his wall in Scotland and everything. I went down and put him up in his room, and he said, I'm not sure I want those up. And I was like, Oh, really? Why not? And he was like, I don't know. I'm like, Okay, well, I think it'd be nice if you had them up. But I mean, it's your room. They're still up. But I think it's a big deal, I think, still for him to know, I came from this, and this is my situation. How am I navigating that?

Right. Why did my mom have to die? Why did all of those what ifs and things as well. Yeah. Yeah. Those are probably challenges that you guys have had to come together and deal with with him. Sure.

Yeah. Yeah. And so we just, we'll talk about things, or if I bring up something like, I'm feeling a little it like this, and then we discuss and say, Well, here's the reality of it, or here's this, and what are we going to do with it?

Because it's such a unique challenge, how do you feel like this has helped you to become a better person? Yeah. Transformed you, I guess.

A lot of being humbled. I mean, honestly, there are so many times where I've been experiencing a lot of humility experiences where I have to be like, Now, wait a minute. Just check my pride. What is really happening here? Because, for example, one of the things that was really hard, he has his mom's surname, which she hyphenated. So she was O'Flaherty Davis. So he is O'Flaherty Davis. And for a long time, it was like, why does he have to have a last name different from me and from us? Because we'd have to explain the story again and again and again. And for a moment, it was like, this is annoying. But check my pride. During his elementary and middle school years, it was just easier to be like, you can just call him Davis. That's fine. But then I would always be like, Oh, but that's not his name. But I don't have to explain it. The tone has changed. It's more like, No, this is who you came from. This is your name. This is who you are. So, yeah, just checking in on myself and being like, Okay, what is really the big deal?

Is it a big deal? And can we get through that and things? So that's become better. I've become stronger that way, I think. And I think also just helping people understand It's a different perspective that maybe they have not even thought about. And so their questions and things, they aren't trying to be offensive. Like, Does he call you mom? Like, Yes, he does. Think about that. And if you were in my shoes, what would you I prefer. So I think it provides a perspective, too, to people.

So if you had some advice for someone who has stepped into a role, whether it's your specific widower situation with a child or children, or even just as as a step parent, what is some advice that you would share from your experience?

Yeah, don't be so afraid. I mean, really take a look at all of the pieces and see if it's going to be something that can be managed. If we let Let all of that cloud our vision, well, this person was like this, and she was like this, and they're amazing, and this, and this, and this, and this, and this, and oh, no, what am I? That can be detrimental, but just good communication. And I think just finding the humor in it, I mean, that's a big one, too, is just laugh at like, wow.

Yeah. Don't take everything so seriously.

Yeah. I don't know. And then also it's okay to have this type of relationship. You don't to be afraid of it and not have anything at all just because of the fear of, well, I don't know. Those are big shoes to fill or whatever. And I'm like, Well, I don't even know. I'll just wear my own. I love that. I mean, and already it's been 10 years since we've been married, and it's just like a drop in the bucket. It just went so fast. I mean, and it'll work out somehow, and I just try not to worry about that too much.

Well, and I think it goes back to that, you deserved to be happy, and they deserved to be happy. And in this situation, that's what it created for you all, was that, yes, you were stepping into a role, but you were bringing a family together. And I love that. I think that that took a lot of courage.

Yeah.

And a lot of foresight into, okay, how is this going to really work? But then also a lot of faith to just think, you know what? Here it goes. I feel like this is the right thing to do, and I know that I can handle this situation. And yes, there's been challenges, and you've also grown from those challenges. And I think that if you had to do it over, maybe there's a couple of things you might do different. But ultimately, life is short. And let's be happy together. Let's have fun together. Chris is a fun guy. You can't not have fun when you're around Chris. You do have to appreciate his humor. And he's so fun to be around, that it's like you almost once you walk away, you're like, Gosh, that'll be fun to hang out with them again. You know? And that's how I feel you guys are as a couple, as a family. You've really created this space for each other and for Logan, that I think it's a beautiful thing. I felt so connected to Logan from the time he was born, even though I'd never even met Sarah, to know that you had come into this place to help raise him.

That just brought me so much peace when I got to that point where I was like, I need to find Logan. Is he okay? And here he is, not only is he okay, but he has you. I'm so just grateful. He's thriving. Yeah, for sure. So thank you so much for taking time to talk about this and share your unique experience and things that you've learned. I think other people, they're not likely to be in the same situation, but there is so much to be learned in just the circumstance and how you've handled that or some of the challenges and things. So thank you so much. Yeah, you're welcome. Thanks for joining us for this episode. If you are curious about more of the backstory of this episode, be sure to check out the bonus episode that goes with this one. And as always, check out the show notes for some fun links for moms, as well as signing up for the Whole Mother Load newsletter. We look forward to seeing you there.